Changes...

At this point, I haven't told too many people about the big decision that I've made... And even writing it out on here is a little scary. But I also know that I am not the first to make this decision and I won't be the last. (Reading this article made that much clear to me --> The Transition that Never Ends)

I've decided that once this school year is finished, I'll be leaving this land I've come to love, and moving back to Canada.

I've wrestled with this decision.

Leaving Cambodia means leaving behind this Asian life of...
- driving a moto
- speaking (a little bit of) a foreign language
- teaching grade 4 at Asian Hope International School (and being a part of the incredible staff community here)
- being known as Ms. Aryssa or Ms. Aleeeessa (depending on the student)
- eating Cambodian curry (my FAVOURITE)
- drinking delicious and cheap iced coffees and bubble tea
- being a part of a wonderful Khmer church, "Water of Life"
- living with Karen in our wonderful 2 bedroom apartment
- incredible, powerful rainstorms (that are awesome when you're not stuck in them!)
- bizarre sights, sounds, smells, cultural norms and traditions... never a dull moment here.

It means saying goodbye... I anticipate some painful goodbyes to come... students, co-workers, friends. I'm tearing up writing this because I know that leaving Cambodia means leaving behind a part of my heart.

It means having to re-work and re-shape this new identity that I've embraced over the past year and a half... as an overseas teacher, as an expat, as a "local" foreigner.  It also means potential "re-entry culture shock", which I've heard can be unexpectedly challenging.

But it also means...
- reunions with friends and family that I haven't spent time with in person for a long while
- meeting my cousin's little baby who will be almost a year by the time I get home!
- winter! (I'm sure I'll be done with it after a couple weeks of snow, but still!) ;)
- and with winter, comes scarves, boots, cuddling up under warm blankets, skating, skiing, etc.
- holidays spent with family
- not having to sweat all the time (woohooo!)
- a new job of some kind (not totally sure what yet.)
- a whole lot of unknowns...
- new beginnings.

In this process of praying about and deciding what the next step is for me, I've had a lot of mixed feelings. I've felt some guilt about leaving... wrestling with God's calling in my life, and feeling guilty about leaving my students, especially. But in the past few months I've also felt freedom to make the choice and trust God with the rest. This season in Cambodia has been an equally hard and beautiful season. I've learned so much and have grown so much, and with a little over 6 months of school still to go, I know my learning and growing here isn't finished yet!

I think that all the learning and growing is another reason I'm a little apprehensive and fearful about moving back to Canada. I realize that I'm not the same person as I was when I left. I cannot identify all the ways I've changed, but I know that it's impossible to do life in a foreign country for two years and not return as a changed person. I also realize that the people I love back in Canada have changed, too.

It's really cool to look back in my journal from the past year and a half (although I haven't been as diligent a journaller as I would like to be...), and to clearly see God's faithfulness as the thread that runs through all the pages. My first entry in my journal was written on the plane, on my way to Cambodia, and so much of it is about the mixed feelings I felt then, too. I was both scared and excited about many things I was about to experience. Looking back, I can see how God has been so faithful to carry me through this season. He answered my prayers - showed me that there wasn't any reason to be afraid. Again, he is calling me to trust him, and so I will.

One month.

(Fun fact! The girl with the hula hoop on the top of my blog is actually in my class this year! It's kind of neat that I took that picture from the school website long before I ever moved to Cambodia, never thinking I would actually teach that girl. When I opened my blog today, I realized it for the first time :) It was taken a few years ago, so she is a lot bigger now, but Karen had her as a student last year and said she is very proud to be on the school website! ) 

Flying over the Rocky Mountains

Guangzhou, China

It has been one month (and two days!) since i arrived back in Cambodia. It seriously feels like it has been WAY longer than that. Even when Karen and I had only been back for a week, we kept having to remind each other than it had only been a week. I think it's because once I got back, it felt as if I had never left. Life in Canada is SO incredibly different from life here - in every way (culture, language, climate, food, transportation, friends, church, quality of roads, etc.). It's almost like living on two different planets. When I was in Canada, it was hard to imagine that normal life was still going on here in Cambodia, and now that I'm back here, it's strange to think about normal life continuing for everyone else in Canada.

Back in a Tuktuk! I actually haven't had many tuktuk rides this year since Karen and I got a second moto. We each have our own now!  

My favourite part about our new apartment - the balcony :) 

I'm currently sitting in a coffeeshop (aka the land of air conditioning)- my favourite place to blog - since the power in my apartment building is out and it is just too hot and dark to stay in there for the afternoon.

(Ironically enough, the minute after I wrote that, the power in the coffeeshop went out... go figure. This is the #cambolife !)

I'll be honest with you.... (as much as I hate being honest sometimes. Being honest means being vulnerable. Ugh, who likes being vulnerable...)  I didn't really want to blog today, even though I felt like I should. It's easier to talk/blog about struggles once we're on the other side, isn't it?  It's a lot harder to talk/blog about those struggles when we're still working through them.

Something I've been thinking about lately is that as humans, we are generally quite unsatisfied with the day to day "normal" of life. We live from one big moment to the next, or even sometimes one weekend to the next. We are always looking for something to look forward to. Or at least I am... I guess I can only speak for myself.  There is definitely a discontentedness in my heart that I wrestle with daily. I want the big moments - the fun adventures, the "instagrammable" trips and holidays... and I struggle in the in-between. The problem with this is that the in-between is actually what makes up real life. It's the realistic, sometimes messy, waking-up-at-the-crack-of-dawn, exhausted-at-the-end-of-the-day normal. The big moments are rare compared to the normal moments of life. So there's been a lot of heart wrestling going on in the past month - praying, and asking God to help me see the gifts in each normal day. I hate the discontentedness that I see in my own heart, and it bothers me that I still struggle with this (and maybe always will...), even though I know (and believe!) what the Apostle Paul writes in Philippians about the secret to being content.

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in ANY and EVERY situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all things through him who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:11-13)

This school year so far has been a struggle... The group of students I have this year brought with them some different types of challenges than the group I had last year, and even if they were a "perfect class", the beginning of the school year is always hard. Setting up routines, establishing norms and expectations, getting to know a new group of learners and their various needs, meet the teacher night (coming up this week)... it has been exhausting. Mentally and emotionally, I've been feeling pretty drained. It doesn't help that Cambodians are really honest people, and they've let me know more than once lately that I look tired. I know they are right.

Of course that isn't to say that there haven't been beautiful moments - of learning, of seeing lightbulb moments for kids, of reuniting with students from last year (precious!) and of building relationships with new ones. In some ways this year has been easier than last year - at least I am teaching the same grade again (grade 4) so most of the content isn't new (although I am also teaching literacy to grade 5s as well). But something I've realized more fully lately is that teaching is a type of job that never stops. I knew that going into it, but it's becoming more of a reality for me lately. As someone who is detail-oriented, and has perfectionistic tendencies, I think some of my exhaustion can be attributed to the fact that my mind never shuts off... Even as I try to fall asleep, even when I'm in the shower, even when I'm riding my moto to school, I'm always thinking about my job - what changes to make to the groups my students are in, different strategies to improve my classroom management, forms I need to collect from them, lesson plans I need to finish, resources I need to gather, things I need to print off, things I need to get photocopied... I really can't turn it off. And I'm not entirely sure that it's a healthy way for me to live. Having experienced the life of a teacher for a little over a year now, I have more respect than ever for the teachers that I had growing up.

For those who are "pray-ers", please keep praying - I definitely need His strength. Continue to pray that I would get enough rest, and that I would also be able to have wide-open eyes to see the many joys of living and teaching here in Cambodia. In the upcoming months, I will also be making a big decision about next year, so keep praying that I would have discernment and clear thoughts about that decision.

On a more exciting note, my parents will be here in Cambodia in just over 6 weeks! Their visit here is definitely one of those "big moments" that I'm really looking forward to. I can't wait to show them around Phnom Penh and have them experience some pieces of my life here :) We will also be visiting a few different places in Thailand during their time here, so I am super excited to see a new country and the incredible beauty that is there. Pray also for their travels here and that all the last minute details would be taken care of!

Here are some more pictures of Cambo year 2:

Cambo rainy season

Staying dry while representing my homeland!

Karen, Anna and Anthony - on our motos 

Before the first day of school...

A little more of the "Real-life" Cambo... this is taken from the roof of our apartment, and shows a bit of what their construction standards are like... 

From the roof! I love this view.

Bubble tea always brightens my day. 

A few of my little monkeys.

Learning about Children's Rights. "Every child has the right to play"

"Every child has the right to shelter" 

Baymax, from "Big Hero 6" will always take care of you. 

Spelling homework: "My mom and dad were enjoying the weeding party... Ms. Alyssa and her family are planning to Thailand on this October!" 

"I want to go in a Pyramid so I could see a king mummy, then I will ask him to take a selfie with me"

Eating dim sum with Karen... reliving memories of our trip to Hong Kong last April!

You know you're at a gym in Cambodia when it is totally empty and only about 1/2 of the machines actually work.

Love to you all, friends! <3 Thanks for reading!

Home? - Part 2.

Wow. What a whirlwind of a month it has been.

So many thoughts, emotions, processing, laughs, tears, friends, family, yummy food, love, and beauty. I really didn't know how I would feel being back in Canada again. I was actually a little apprehensive about the summer, like I talked about in my last post, not knowing what being at home would be like, or how I would feel about it.
... Whether or not I would find it hard to accept that a lot has changed.
... Whether or not I would feel out of place.
... Whether or not I'd have reverse culture shock, as I had been told to be prepared for.
... Whether or not I'd find it weird to be the racial majority again (since I had gotten used to being the minority in Cambo).
... Whether or not I'd be freezing cold all of the time.

My first day or two here was WEIRD. I had basically forgotten about many "normal" aspects of how life is done here, like how to drive (like seriously forgot how to start a car... my parents were concered, haha), how to use my debit card, how expensive everything is (and taxes on top of that!), how to fill up my car with gas, tipping at restaurants, how carpet felt under my feet, that the sun doesn't set until 9:00 pm!! (compared to 6:30 pm all year round in Cambo), that it's okay to walk in my neighborhood at night, etc.

But after a few days, I had gotten over jet lag and had re-adjusted to a lot of those things already. It's amazing how adaptable we are as humans, especially when we return to what we've known for so long.

My adjustment here has been surprisingly smooth and my time here has been refreshing and full of joy. But now comes the honesty... The strange thing is that even though I am thankful for the wonderful break I am having, an expected and strong emotion that I've been wrestling with is guilt. The same questions always seem to be buzzing around my head…

"Is it wrong that I love being home again?" 

"Shouldn't I be counting down the days to return to the people and country I'm serving?"

"It is self-centered to be greatly appreciating the conveniences of life here... like a dryer, shopping for clothes that actually fit, more selection in food, cooler weather, sweaters & scarves, talking to friends and family without having to rely on sketchy Skype..?"

I’ve heard it said that comparison is the thief of joy, and I’ve seen that to be true time and time again in my life. I am easily tempted to compare myself to friends and other missionaries who feel really called to serve in Cambodia (or other places in the developing world) long-term. In my head, I know that each of our stories are different – that God will use our unique lives in different ways – but my heart is so prone to those feelings of comparison.

I’m not saying I don’t love the life and adventures I’ve been able to have (and will soon again have!) in Cambodia.

I’m not saying I don’t want to go back.

I’m not saying I don’t miss the people who have found their way into the deep parts of my heart this year.

I know I’m supposed to go back. I know that God led me to this school, this opportunity, and that is was for a reason that I signed a two-year contract.  For this season, I am a teacher at Asian Hope International School, and I am so thankful for the ways I’ve grown and the blessings I’ve seen, big and small, because I am living and teaching in Cambodia. 

This past weekend was so good for my heart – exactly what I needed. I got to reunite with some of the wonderful friends I made this year in Cambodia, as we went to Charleston, South Carolina, to witness the simply beautiful marriage of our dear friends Anna and Anthony. Karen and I got to spend a lot of time together, exploring Charleston and reliving memories from the past year. This weekend made me really excited to go back to my second home in Phnom Penh and to see what’s in store for my next year of life there.

I recently read a book that I can’t get off of my mind. It’s called “The Hardest Peace” and was written by a woman named Kara Tippetts, who recently passed away after a long battle with cancer. The book was published before she passed away, and in it she shares her story and how God has used the hard of cancer to show her His grace in the small moments. Her blog was called “Mundane Faithfulness.”

That book is totally rocking my perspective... As I sit here and think about the decision of whether or not I will renew my contract at Asian Hope. At this point in my life, this decision is my “hard.” But, unless I die tomorrow, I can know with confidence that more “hard” is to come. And chances are that I will look back later in life at this decision and say something along these lines to my 25-year-old self, “You thought that was hard? You had no idea what was coming.” Because it’s that how life works? There is always hard… sometimes hard that feels impossible. I cannot believe the hard that Kara had to endure in her short life of 30-something years. But, as Kara so beautifully writes in her book, there is also beauty. And that beauty is most appreciated after and during the experience of trial, struggle, suffering, challenge, sickness, and pain.

Many parts of Kara’s book hit me profoundly. In one section, she talks about the small book, “The Prayer of Jabez” that was popular among Christians awhile ago. The book focused on a small verse in 1 Chronicles 4:10: “Jabez called upon the God of Israel saying, “Oh that you would bless me and enlarge my border, and that your hand might be with me, and that you would keep me from harm so that it might not bring me pain!”  In her book, Kara says, “…We liked what this verse seemed to offer – plenty without pain. Who didn’t want the offerings of great borders and no suffering? … I grieve my own thirst for comfort, ease, plenty without pain… I would be lying if I said I still don’t long for those extended borders in my life and he absence of pain. But what if that prayer was meant for Jabez and simply for Jabez? Maybe the part of the prayer that is meant for each of us if that God’s hand might be with us. And simply that. …We all wanted more and ease, and we wanted to use God to get it. But we are not the Author of our story. We are the characters.”

So maybe I need to get over myself and realize that it’s not about me. Maybe it’s not about whether or not I return to Cambodia after next year. Maybe it’s about a bigger story God is weaving through each of our lives. Reading Kara’s book made me understand that so much of that story, I am not yet aware of. So much more hard and so much more beauty is still to come in my life and in all of our lives. It’s not something we like to think about… We are scared about what we do not yet know. We want control. We want to know each next stage that is coming. But we are forced to accept that that’s just not how life works, no matter where we live or what we do.

Nothing comforts me more than knowing that God knows. There is no reason to fear, and no reason to worry about anything more than today. My prayer is that God would continue to teach me, like Kara, to learn to live faithfully in every moment; in the joy, in the hard, and in the mundane.

Home?

It's been awhile...

I've wanted to blog, and have sat down several times with that purpose, but for some reason, it just hasn't happened. I find writing really therapeutic, and it helps me to process my thoughts, but lately I haven't felt like I have all that much to say.

How can I not have much to say, when I live in a world so different from what I've known my whole life? 

One reason that comes to mind is that this "foreign land" is slowly starting to feel like "home"... I feel quite comfortable here, and the initital adjustment period has come and gone. When I arrived here EIGHT MONTHS AGO (where did the time go??), some of the sights (as well as sounds and smells!) were overwhelming. My only reaction was to stare and my only thought was, "What in the world?!" Now, those same sights don't even get a second glance from me...

It's "normal" to see a live pig strapped lengthwise across the back of a moto, its limbs flailing with every bump in the road, or to see someone leaving the hospital riding on the back of a moto with an I.V. still attached, and carrying their I.V. pole!

It's "normal" to tower above all the people who walk by me by on the street and Karen and I are pretty used to getting stared at as we drive our moto in our long skirts (I'm sure it is a funny sight for the Cambodians to see!).

It's "normal" for me to start sweating the minute I get out of the shower (Hello, Hot Season!) and to escape to air-conditioning whenever possible.

Although teaching here seemed like a daunting task at the beginning of the year, it's also now "normal" for me to spend each day learning and growing alongside 21 amazing kids who definitely all have a piece of my heart.

But, of course, in some ways, I don't think I am ever going to feel totally at home here, even if I lived here my whole life. I'm not Khmer (Cambodian). I can't change the colour of my skin or the culture I was born into.

So, I guess that leaves me somewhere in between... and maybe, deciding to move away from Canada and live over here for at least 2 years, means that I will always be in the in-between. I'm so looking forward to spending the summer at "home" in Canada, but I know that it's unrealistic for me to expect that things will be exactly as I left them. A lot can change in a year, and I know that the people I love are not all in the same spot of life as they were when I last saw them in July... and really, neither am I. I don't think about that fact as often, but I know that living here has changed me too.

Only time will tell, and as a person who likes to have a plan and know what's going to happen, it is definitely stretching me to not know. Two of my closest friends (/roomies/coworkers) here have already committed to teaching at our school for a third year, but I haven't felt like that's a decision I can make either way at this point. I do know two things for sure though:

1. I will be coming back to Cambodia in July to teach grade 4 for a second year, after spending 7 weeks in Canada.

2. God is faithful.

He has shown so much of his faithfulness this year in the way that He has sustained me through the harder days, and in the amazing blessings he has given me (on top of providing for my every need!). No matter where I end up after next year, I know that God is faithful - always has been, always will be.

Now for a few quick updates:

- My students threw me an amazing surprise birthday party, and I had a wonderful time celebrating my quarter-of-a-century, Cambo-style!

- I have 8 weeks of teaching left before the end of the year, and in exactly two weeks, I will be in Hong Kong with two of my friends, over Khmer New Year! I am really looking forward to a break, and to exploring such a cool city.

- I had parent-teacher conferences last week, which went very well but were exhausting. It was great to talk with my students' parents, and to hear what some of their kids say about me at home!

- I am still taking Khmer lessons, every Saturday afternoon. I've learned a lot in the last 6 months and can understand some of what I overhear. Speaking is definitely more of a challenge than listening/understanding, but it's coming slowly... very slowly.. haha

Thanks for reading :)
And to all of you Canadian friends and family, see you in 2 months!