Mixed feelings are expected, right?

I've been meaning to write a blogpost for awhile now... I guess what's been stopping me from actually getting to it has been the fact that my thoughts & feelings lately seem so jumbled and mixed.  Every time I think about moving to Cambodia (in just 23 days!), I feel a surge of adrenaline rush through me - a mix of incredible excitement and joy, but at the same time fear, apprehension and concern, not really having a clue what to expect.

I think another reason for my fear and concern lately has to do with the teaching role I will be stepping into. It will be my first full year of teaching my own class, from the first day of school to the last, and I feel the weight of that responsibility. Doubt creeps in as I wonder if I will be able to do it...

Will my students listen to me?  
Will I be able to plan lessons for each day that are engaging and that my students can connect with? 
How will I deal with the conflicts that arise among my students or even the staff I will be working with? 
Will I be able to handle the heat that I've heard is at times almost suffocating? 
Will I be able to find that balance of being firm and consistent with my students, but also kind, caring and patient?  

It doesn't help that lately I've had some really, really challenging days of supply teaching... days when I am incredibly relieved when I hear the final bell; days when, if I'm honest, I question whether or not teaching is for me. Other teachers at those schools encourage me, saying that those groups of kids really are challenging, and I'm not the first supply teacher to struggle with managing them, but still, I find it really hard to get past the dominant thought that runs through my head at the end of those challenging days... "Maybe, you don't really have what it takes to be a teacher, Alyssa."  Of course, this is a scary thought when I am fully aware that I'm moving away from everything I know in a matter of weeks, specifically to fill the role of teacher, for twenty young Cambodian children (more on my class list later!).

The other day though, as I was reading from a book about teaching (trying to prepare myself for what I know in theory I can't really prepare for!), something dawned on me that I hadn't really thought much about before...

Teaching is all about relationships.

Somehow I got through 4 months of teaching my own class last fall. There were many challenging moments and days for sure, but with lots of prayer, God was my strength. He allowed me to build some wonderful relationships with my students; relationships that resulted in tears for me as well as for them on my last day. Students connect the best with teachers that they feel safe and comfortable with. Teachers who can laugh with their students. Teachers who genuinely care.  With supply teaching, especially when you are only with a specific class for one day (or even a half of a day!) those relationships cannot really be built.  When you are a supply teacher, I think it's easy to get disillusioned with teaching as a career. There are pros to supply teaching for sure, like being able to leave at the final bell, not having to write report cards, or deal with potentially difficult parents, but unless you are able to supply teach for the same class again and again, you miss out on what I believe is the best part of teaching - the relationships. Relationships with students in which you have an opportunity to really get to know them as people, as well as relationships within the staff community.

On that note, I received my class list by email a few weeks ago. It is still subject to change, but at the moment I have 8 girls and 12 boys in my class... meaning 20 opportunities to build unique relationships with my students! I am genuinely looking forward to meeting them all, as well as learning how to properly pronounce their names. Almost all of their last names have between 3 and 6 letters, whereas their first names range from 4 to 14 letters. I wonder if nicknames are a thing in Cambo!?  I may need to quickly find some for a few of them... starting with "Chamchakrayut", "Darathanavuth" and "Sireynorrian"!

For you teaching folk who want to read some more blog posts I've been enjoying lately, here are a few:

http://ibeforeennui11.blogspot.ca/2013/09/and-it-didnt-even-have-poision-or-razor.html (I'm totally going to have my students fill out a survey! Her students' answers are hilarious.)

http://www.loveteachblog.com/2013/05/the-top-ten-things-i-wish-id-known-as.html  (This one will come in handy for sure!)

Even in those moments when I feel overwhelmed and scared, God gives me a peace that surpasses my understanding. I am reminded that He has led me this far and is not going to let me fail. He has a lot of work to do in me as I learn what it means to really trust Him... I have a feeling it will be a life-long journey.

Zechariah 4:6 - "Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord." 
I am thankful for the promise that He will work through me even when I don't feel the least bit mighty or powerful.